Shy Guy | Really Random Writings

        So, for today's article....well, allow me to explain. I was extraordinarily shy growing up. Those who knew me at the time may say that that is the understatement of the century. I was horrendously shy,  especially around the ladies. When I turned 16 and started getting to the dating age, my parents "encouraged" me to go on dates to learn how to be socially appropriate on a date. And it was a struggle. But, it was good for me. When taking an online English class my senior year of high school, I wrote a paper about it where poor picked-on me got the upper hand in the whole dating drama. I used my goofy sense of humor to explain the whole high school ordeal, and just had fun with it. I wrote it several years ago, so the writing is kind of....well, I hope my writing skills have  improved slightly since high school. Even though it may be a little adolescent, I'll still give you the original unadulterated version of this really random writing.

 

November, 2005. MacCabe Supreme Rulers vs. Cody

        Today, for the first time known in human history, documents of unconstitutional proportion spill forth from the MacCabe household in Salem, Utah, and the latest reports of the ensuing scandal are now pouring in. Mom MacCabe and Dad MacCabe (the Executive, Legislative, Judicial, and Punitive branches of the MacCabe Household) overturned their poor, defenseless son’s decision to not go to a dance. Their son was not allowed a lawyer, a severe breach of the Sixth Amendment of the United States of America. The rulings against the son impose strict penalties concerning his decision. There is no known provision known in the history of the world’s governments, but in this case the son felt forced to go on a date. The rulers in question, “Mom” and “Dad” MacCabe, gave their oldest son the option to ask one girl a month on a date, or ask a girl to each of the boy’s choice dances at Spanish Fork High School. It is not known what the punishment would be for this teen had he disobeyed, but several psychologists who examined this teen suspect the consequences would be too disturbing to put into print.  Here is the story of the teenager who went through a trial, survived, and became stronger because of the predicament that the rulers of this household dumped on his unsuspecting shoulders.

        “I could imagine the headlines for Time magazine when my parents dropped the bombshell on me in late November of 2005. I was just trying to survive school by getting through my junior year when my mom decided that I wanted to go to the November boys’ choice dance. I couldn’t believe it, since I knew no one and felt very shy at the time. Worst of all, she mentioned this just as I found out that we didn’t have any more Captain Crunch cereal. I felt the unfairness of the rule because my older sister had never been forced to make decisions like these." What happened to equality? And where the heck did my vote go? Oh wait, I didn’t get a vote. I know that life throws punches now and then, but I hadn’t experienced such persecution ever before.

        I had asked one girl to a dance before when I went to the Prom in Rexburg. My sister and mom badgered me to ask a girl I knew until I finally gave in. Following my mother’s logic, my father decided to follow in suit and declare himself an advocate of the “cause.” I went on the date, although I suffered psychological impairment for the rest of forever. Somehow I managed to survive, though severely weakened and discomfited. I thought that first date would be the end of it, but then my parents decided to pass this…well, amendment, for lack of a better word. So far I see every indication that I am the only one of their kids to whom this unconstitutional decision applies.

        I managed to struggle my way out of the November dance, only to find myself asked to the December girls’ choice dance, but the January dance, Recession, loomed over me. My parents reminded me of the new provision of the MacCabe Family Constitution, and I decided to cooperate rather than face the dire consequences which I felt sure would follow. I asked a girl, went to the dance, and once again survived. Though I was weakened, I regained my strength enough to once again open the jelly jars without running them under hot water first.

        The next dance coming up was the Prom. Oh, the battle that ensued! I came home from a meeting attended only by males, and my Mom asked who I had asked to Prom. I was shocked back into reality. I once again decided to ask a girl to Prom, rather than risk the terrible wrath of the MacCabe dictatorship. I didn’t put up too much of a fuss and decided to face this situation like a brave man headed to the guillotine. I used all the techniques that my parents had taught me on the date and at the dance (they do some useful things for me) like opening the car door, offering my hand, not picking my nose, and not stepping on my date’s feet at the dance. I returned home triumphant, certain that my parents hadn’t beaten me this time. Ha!

        The summer went by with no dances scheduled. I worked all summer, and before I knew it, school started up with Homecoming looming in the foreground. I finally inquired of my parents whether their amendment still applied to this year or not. My hopes were crushed when they offered me the same choices—ask a girl to each of the boy’s choice dances or plan a date once a month. I asked someone whether I wanted to or not. I didn’t see that I had a choice. Once more a girl took pity on me and said yes. I suspect an under-the-table agreement had taken place between her and my parents. Even with whatever incentive they offered her, she locked me out of the car. Since I drove, she finally unlocked the door, as my friend in the back didn’t even have the decency to unlock it for me. He and his date were too busy laughing.

        I didn’t feel I had failed yet, and I determined to beat my parents at their own game and enjoy myself. When the November dance that I had avoided last year rolled around, I did not argue and asked a girl without the terrorization I had come to expect from my family. The girl I asked even placed as second runner-up to the Harvest Queen. I returned home triumphant. Just recently, I asked a girl to Recession, only to lose to her in the race through the inflatable obstacle course.

        While the thought of Prom weighs heavily on my mind, I have decided to attend whether or not my parents end up in jail. I have realized that not only does it makes the girls extremely pleased to be asked to a dance (I still haven’t figured that out), it makes me stronger to do something that once made me uncomfortable. It also pleases certain friends that have been rooting for me. I have had fun at all of the dances, now that I’m looking back on it. That does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I would have asked the girls had my parents not exercised unrighteous dominion over me, but I survived, had a bit of fun in the process, can go through a date without too much discomfort, and realized that going on a date has its benefits. I don’t mean to imply that I just accept what my parents did to me, but I might not press charges against them for all of this.

        Well, there you have it, folks! This kid went through a trying ordeal and came out on top! He was unfairly forced by a so called “legal process” and grew a bit in the process, and then he learned that while he is sort of grateful for what his parents did, that won’t keep them from going to…no, wait! His parents are being led out of the courthouse now! And from the cuffs around their wrists, I would say that the judge ruled in favor of Cody! Congratulations, Cody! We are proud of him for standing firm under adversity, making those girls happy by asking them on a date, and for growing up in the process.

(To make your own decision concerning the constitutionality of this case, see the Constitution of the United States, Section 12, Article 4, row 14, seat 2)